When Your Lover Leaves You

Someone so very dear to me suffered a loss. In this case it was a voluntary loss, a husband phoned to say he wanted out of the marriage. It was another one of those cases of storybook romances gone wrong. They seemed so well suited and happy. There had been few bad times.

Here is where Johnathan Heit's image of the elephant and boy-rider particularly suits. The elephant is that huge part of us that we talk about controlling even though control is really quite unrealistic. The "inner child" doesn't do the situation justice because at critical times the child fusses and rages, but must eventually go where the adult leads to survive. However an elephant appearing placid and cooperative is ultimately a dangerous and wild thing. We cannot and should not forget the power of a neglected elephant.

When we suffer loss it is that inner beast that stays awake at night and keeps asking "where is she, where it he? " We try to explain why it happened, and that we must be brave, how strong we are....then we see the picture on the wall, the shell from Hawaii, the pair of worn socks in the drawer and the crying questions inside start up all over again. The more we try to distract ourselves with bank accounts, laundry, and programming the cell phone, the louder the cries are when they break through our shell.

The answer I have begun to discover in my own journey is to ride with the lonely elephant where it wants to go. Let it hunt for the lost and weep and thunder in the night. The elephants greatest fear is that it will be left alone. It needs to know you won't leave it alone in the dark. Ignoring that being inside of you is worse than ignoring a child crying, because an elephant that is upset can harm everyone in its way.

Taking this problem "out of the metaphor," we need in time of loss to spend some nights with a photo album and a bottle of wine. Remember the good times and cry. If you were left behind or wronged, remember the bad times and swear. Make sure to use the words asshole or bitch as often as you can. It is easier to lose someone in anger than in love, and the love was probably unrealistic if we didn't see the signs that leaving was about to happen. If something inside of you doesn't see the wrong, its damn-well time it did.

When you have raged enough, pile some of the memory items together and hold a bonfire to put some distance between your memories and you. Dance around the fire. Then take the ashes of your fire and plant a rose in it.

Living through your pain rather than by ignoring it and you have a much better chance for a new beginning. Your pain is a sign that you are a whole person not just half of one. Because you live you hurt. Experience the hurt and you will grow.